She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
