Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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