do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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