just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
