it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
