I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
