Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
