can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
