Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
