textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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