she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
