i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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