i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
