she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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