i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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