You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
