My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
