It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
