Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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