On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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