i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
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Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
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Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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