I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
