I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
