DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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