I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
