There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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