she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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