walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
