I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
