you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The air was thick with penises
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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