it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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