We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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