I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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