the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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