Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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