Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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