My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
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It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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