Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize