You're completely useless in the revolution.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
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If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
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Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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