My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
