Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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