Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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