If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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