hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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