i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
