After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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