if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
