You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
