I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
