Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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