could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
