I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
