woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
