Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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