I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
