i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
There's even glitter on my cock...
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