dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
